Very exciting news, from someone I consider a friend. I've never met him in person, only communicated with him online. But his search for truth, and the integrity he has demonstrated over the past 2 years since I've come to know him, has made it an honor to consider him a friend.

Christopher Allbritton is about to embark on another trip to Iraq. Before he goes, he shared with his supporters, including myself, that he's actively shopping a book proposal about his unique experiences in Iraq, as they relate to Back-to-Iraq.com.

But what I tell myself is this: I can't change the course of this at the moment and if they do point a rifle at me or hold a knife to my throat and I know it's the last moment of my life then for sure there's nothing I can do then I'm determined not to beg or flinch because I was right to come to Falluja and to try to evacuate people and get supplies to the hospitals and to die for trying to do that isn't ideal but it's OK.

Jo Wilding spent this week helping refugees flee Fallujah, to Baghdad. She and her colleagues, along with civilian refugees, some wounded and dieing, some even in ambulances clearly marked, have been shot at, repeatedly, by our soldiers. THAT is what is going on. Tens of Thousands of citizens of Fallujah are fleeing, fearing for their very lives. It is rumoured that once the population is gone, the city will be destroyed...

Pray for them all. Pray for the victims of war. Pray for the soldiers to be more compassionate - not a diametrically-opposed goal, despite what they're trained to do, i.e. kill. And pray that the arrogance of America as seen in many of our soldiers in how they act and what they say - our representatives in Iraq - by Iraqis, doesn't do even more irreparable damage.

Eva/Nirgaz says:
I just had a webcam conversation with Gullizar's brother-in-law Ferhad, he is a friend of mine. He is a lawyer and is online frequently. It was just cool to see someone in Iraq. I told him to bring Meran with him next time.
Da Mouse says:
How are things where he is (where is he?)
Eva/Nirgaz says:
In Duhok...Almost everyone we know lives in Duhok, a couple of families live in Zakho.
Da Mouse says:
I heard about Basra this morning. Very bad sounding
Eva/Nirgaz says:
what happened there? I didn't hear anything about it yet.
Da Mouse says:
Bombings going off simultaneously at police stations, at least one taking a school bus out with small children dieing...Iraqi kids! What are the terrorists thinking?!
Eva/Nirgaz says:
oh my God!!! They aren't thinking that's the point, any sane person would never be able to do something like that. It is inhuman.
Da Mouse says:
Amen.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
If that works out about the picnic thing, that would be nice, I really want to meet Brittons Husband.
Da Mouse says:
I think it should work out from the sounds of it. I think it would also be a great opportunity to help everyone get to know one another and that's always a good thing.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
True.
Da Mouse says:
Jason is kinda quiet, but I have a hunch he probably has a chattier side if you get to know him. He reminds me of Uncle Bill, Grandpa Short, and my Christopher - all nice men that are low key but great guys.
Da Mouse says:
So Gullizar's brotherinlaw is a lawyer. I take it he's brother to her husband, you mean? what does her husband do?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
He used to have a store, woman's clothing, but he sold it when he tried to go to Jordan in December. Now he is doing a liason business, working with Meran getting things for the soldiers, supplies they need etc.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
We got more paperwork for her husband and the process to get the visa interview has finally started. This is a good sign, he should be able to come by the end of the year, if no problems occur.
Da Mouse says:
Interesting. Sounds like a good family. Hard working then!
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Yea, they are really nice, I am also good friends with his sister Nazdar. She is around my age, in college, and loves anything English. His brother Fadl, Meran's age, was Meran's best friend when they were little. While I was there I was told how they went from eachother's houses terrorizing their mothers. Meran was quite a handful as a child I gathered.
Now we know where his sons get it from
Da Mouse says:
*laugh* Somehow, I can believe that. How long have the families known one another?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
A long time...but Meran's family has only been there since his Grandfather's time; this family is one of the original families there.

So I'm chatting with Eva online, and she lets slip that Meran will be home for his visit on May 10th!

The plans? Eva plans on taking her family to the Tennessee Renaissance Festival for some plain old family fun. For the practical side of things, she plans on working with Meran to resolve the problems concerning his direct house payments, i.e., too much is going to the house, much more than necessary, leaving nothing for household expenses for her.

Eva thinks they'll be coming around Memorial Day weekend. I plan on having a picnic when they're here. Eva and I both want to shop at the local international markets, and do some serious cooking together! My sister hopes we can all come out to their place, and have a multi-family picnic. Eva and I love the idea. I'd like Daniel and Amanda to be a part of that, too...

The waiting (for now), is over...

A conversation between Eva my daughter, and myself...

Ajiza is separated from her hubby, pending divorce. He proved to be a very irresponsible young man. He had over 20 jobs last year. She got him a good job with Dell Computers, Assembly work, but a good job with good pay. He has no education so he can't be picky, but he quit after only two weeks. She also is immature, and together they are like dating teenagers, vs. being responsible young adults. They get mad at each other for the stupidest things.

Sounds like what your cousin Kris, Aunt Betty's son, was like with Cindy, his son Andrew's mother. Too young, too soon. Now he's married to another lady and is father to her two children and they are doing great...

And from the onset his family did not like her, his mom has been advocating divorce even prior to the wedding!! They at first faked they liked her, but after they got engaged, they radically changed. And the worst part, they have yet to consummate their marriage, I told Ajiza maybe that is for the best, if they had had children it might have got worse and been harder to contemplate ending it.

They must have a lot of self-control!!

Even now she is disillusioned with the possibility of him changing. She says if he was such and such...I told her listen to what you're saying "if " is the key word here. He is not and has proven he is making no effort to change how he is or has a desire to.

No, the old saying that a leopard doesn't change his spots is a saying for a good reason. I know only too well.

Meran told her not to beg for him back, and said that Divorce is a good option. In fact all her brothers and sisters are supportive of that, they don't trust him because he has proven himself otherwise. In fact they would feel betrayed if she tried to go back.

Well good for them. Practical.

There is a Kurdish saying that Gullizar said - "You will go blind before I let you go back with him again." Meaning she would stand in the way.

Gullizar and her sayings! You'll have to start writing down all those Kurdish sayings. I'd like to read more of them.

Gullizar had a dream about this in the beginning. Eerily, she has these prophetic dreams often, I have learned to listen to her advice or be told I told you so later. Anyways about her dream...

[not to interrupt, but when you're done with the dream, what's status on Gullizar's husband getting here? Didn't you say there was good news regarding him not long ago...?]

...She had a dream where the Imam here and Ajiza's husband and his father all came to their door. Gullizar's father said don't open it. Their brother Shabban ( the one who is deceased) said, no it's ok let's see what they want and he opened the door for them. Gullizar sees this as her father not approving of the marriage and a bad omen about the marriage. And she sees Shabban as Meran. Because he was the most supportive of Ajiza, and "opened" the door for her marrying him by giving her away. In the Islamic and Kurdish tradition, Dead people in dreams are usually telling the truth...Once Remzia had a dream of their mother and in it she was displeased with me and my relationship with Meran. Remzia told me about it, and at that time me and Meran were going through a very rough time. We were fighting a lot and I was to be honest vicious at times. After I heard the dream, I tried to be more patient with Meran. It worked for the best...We got along much better...I don't know if what they say is true or not...but is something to contemplate...

Well, I'm glad you were able to see truth when you hear it. That means you have a good heart.

No news yet about Gullizar's Hubby. Just he has been approved and is awaiting when his visa interview will be.

Ahhh...I see. Well, hopefully it won't take as long for this next phase!

Yeah, hopefully! We are hoping that he will be here by the end of the year at the latest.

I think that will deserve a party!

There will be a wedding, they are Islamically married, but in the Kurdish tradition they have only had an engagement party. The wedding is yet to come...

Many people in the last two weeks have published links to Elena, the biker, and her amazing photographs and commentary concerning her solo trip to Chernobyl. However, little if any notice has been given to this particular mirror site, done in honor to Elena - and eventually gaining her official approval.*

If you have not seen her images and words, I highly recommend you making the time.

*On this approved site, commenting has been made available, as well as a method to forward emails to Elena...

These days it's difficult to show casualties of war on evening newscasts or in any American media outlets. The images become politically charged; take on meaning beyond their face value. But more often than not, the violence is just too grim, too hard to stomach at dinnertime.

Omar's Arm

As we await Meran's return for a long-anticipated visit, Eva sent me this update about a friend of Meran's that was charged with murdering his wife back in 2002. A trial date has finally be set after long delay. Eva feels the new evidence casts more doubt on the likelihood that he is guilty. The wife was American, and he is Kurdish. There is an 11 year age difference (she was older). I think it's quite probably that these factors will be played out as part of the prosecution's stategy. It will be interesting to see what facts come out in court, and what they will reveal.

...a city on a hill cannot be hidden.

It grows increasingly apparent that the Syrian Kurds are attempting to leverage the political advances their southern Kurdish brothers and sisters have been obtaining in Iraq, to their own advantage in Syria. At the same time, the Baathists in power in Syria are continuing to persecute their Kurdish population. Demonstrations within Syria by native Kurds, and around the world in support of them, are trying to bring attention to these situations. Time to be seen and heard.

We filled the hillside with laughter, the very thing, I suppose, that those people died fighting for, the men joining in as well, joyfully bouncing the football around the fabric, some unable to work because of wounds from their time in the resistance. They really needed to play like children.

Jo Wilding shares experiences in northern Iraq/Kurdistan earlier today. At the end of the long but special day, she had this to say...

We took the scenic route home. Literally: I don't mean we were lost. We went the slow way, through the mountains, diving into landscapes of green slopes, clear streams, red flowers, still just buds, somewhere between a rose and a poppy, and Shenoor says when they open, it's spring; a mud hut by the water with a few ducks around, air you could breathe, really breathe, cool and soothing for lungs brutalised by the Baghdad atmosphere which assails them with a hailstorm of particles...

I don't think I've ever been anywhere more beautiful in my life.

Her parting words made me think of Margareta's poem based on Meran's memories of his home in Kurdistan that he left behind (see sidebar...)

The Kurds need to take responsibility for their own security within the framework of a new Iraqi state in order to prevent similar attacks as those that took place in Hewler, Halabja and the Anfal campaign. The Kurds also need the active and unambiguous support of democratic countries.

The Kurds are demanding as much independence as they can under the new Iraq. They're not talking independence in the sense of their own country, just active, meaningful participation and control over their own lives through democratic means. Sounds familiar...

I was shocked, but not surprised at your encounter on Saturday.

You had me almost crying at how you stood up for me and stood against ignorance.

Thank you...words cannot express how proud I am to be your daughter right now.

Love, Eva XXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOO

Prejudice and intolerance comes in many forms. Some even come wrapped in love.

When recently visiting my mother, who lives in a nearby nursing home, relatives of my brother-in-law arrived. I was thinking about leaving as they came in, but I decided to stay a bit longer to exchange pleasantries.

After initial greetings, one of them asked after my daughter, as well as my grandchildren. Then something happened that stunned me. Out of the blue, the woman asked quietly, "Is Eva still involved in that Buddhist thing?"

I didn't know whether to laugh or drop my jaw. I immediately felt a mixture of amusement at her Archie-Bunkerism, and anger at what the question inferred. I didn't, however, miss a beat. I responded, "Yes, she is...and she is a Muslim, not a Buddhist."

"Yes, yes, but it's all the same thing...", she murmured, her tone a mixture of concern and conviction. She went next to Mom, saying, "Isn't it sad, Harriet?"

I (mostly) let that comment pass, having no desire to argue. Life is too short to waste time getting upset at people acting the very way you should expect them to considering their beliefs.

"No, no, it isn't. Quite a different thing."

I went on to mention the three boys, that Eva was graduated from university and now seeking employment (she just started a new job this week, in fact), and that Meran was still in Iraq working as a translator/interpreter.

From behind me, her husband says in an amused voice, "She didn't marry a terrorist, did she?"

I turned to him, stared him straight in the eye, and said, "No, she didn't...and I don't find that amusing, either." He stared back, not expecting that reply, suddenly speechless.

My blood was rising, and I took care not to let my emotion rule my speech. I was hoping that would be the end of that, but unfortunately the woman said something about Buddhism again (I sighed inwardly, thinking, Do these people ever listen...it's Islam, not Buddhism!), then about how there is only one God and that the one they worship is not Him. Ironic that she said that, I thought...a Muslim says that several times a day, the part about there only being one God. How frightening it is to hear such intolerance...

The atmosphere was very sad, tense, and eroding fast. I decided to exit gracefully and let them talk about me after I left. I gave my love and hugs to Mom, wished them all farewell, and left.

I thought long and hard about what had just happened. I felt I couldn't have handled it any differently and stayed not only true to my own beliefs, but to have honored my daughter and son-in-law. Whether it caused anyone to think any differently, I don't know. We all tend to hold tightly to whatever we believe, and open our minds all too infrequently...

Another chat with Eva, another slice of life of how the war is affecting individuals...

Eva/Nirgaz says:
We were calling Iraq...Gullizar's Husband...
Trishymouse says:
How is he?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Not so good...He and Gullizar were not able to get across the Jordanian border...he went back and she came back
Trishymouse says:
I didn't know she was trying to help him get out. Wow! Why couldn't he get across? Is Gullizar home now? Did she at least get to have a nice visit while there?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
not really...too upset...She went there as I came back and just recently returned after trying several times.
Trishymouse says:
...and my other questions?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
He tried but they denied his passport, said it was a fraud, although he had made a new one they still turned him down. They even paid some people who guaranteed his crossing, but in the end nothing worked.
Trishymouse says:
I don't get it. Why is it such a big deal for one guy to move around? Why can you move around, but not him? Why Gullizar, but not him???
Eva/Nirgaz says:
That is what she has been pondering, a lot of their friends got their spouses over while she was there, both before she tried and after, but luck was not on their side. Over in those Arab countries, it is all about luck. I had a close call myself in Syria, they almost didn't let me leave when I came back because they were suspicious of why I went to Turkey,
Eva/Nirgaz says:
And in Turkey on the way there and the way back they gave me a hard time because my husband was not with me.
Trishymouse says:
Explain something to me, Eva, so I can understand. Did Gullizar marry her husband because of a prior agreement? I've always wondered why did she marry someone over there when this could happen? Why not meet someone here?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
No, and she had several offers here. She married over there for a couple reasons: One because there are not a lot of trustworthy guys her age that aren't already married, and number two, she often talks about her father to me in our late night conversations. She has said on many occassions that her dad had always told her that he hoped his daughters would marry someone close to them, a relative, or someone from their same village; Alikhan, her husband is from their village. I think that was one of the main reasons she married him.
Trishymouse says:
Well, as long as he is a good man, that is the important thing. Do you think he is kind and a loving person, from what you know?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Yeah, and until Gullizar came back and told me about her experience and I saw how she was truly hurting, I didn't realize how much she loves him. The reason I didn't before was because I didn't expect it because they barely knew each other, hardly time to get to know eachother, but i guess in the time it has taken for this approval, which may be another 6 months or more, she has fallen in love.
Trishymouse says:
It's probably a very complex situation for her. She loved her father, this man has a connection to him in her mind, even if it's unconsciously...and the inability to be together, makes it that much more emotional.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I don't think she would admit it outloud, she isn't the type, but I can read her well because of how well I know her. I kinda feel guilty now encouraging Meran to encourage her to reconsider and possibly find someone here.
Trishymouse says:
Well, I wouldn't if I were you. It's her ultimate decision. openly talking about options is nothing to be ashamed of. Just be there for her, talk about things and listen, and that's all you can do...
Eva/Nirgaz says:
That's what I am doing...

I am concerned for my daughter, Eva. We've been talking recently about how her separation from Meran, due to his job in the War efforts keeping them apart, has increasingly taken their toll on her mentally and emotionally. She worries about Meran's safety. She worries about the boys, especially Salih the oldest, especially when Salih says he feels like he doesn't have a father. She misses Meran as a husband, and as a father to help raise the kids. She's admitting to me she has been depressed about things for awhile now, and it feels like it's getting worse. She hasn't lost weight since the last baby was born, started an effort last month to lose weight, but admits to not just not losing any but actually gaining some since then. She is researching antidepressants, wondering if that might help. I encouraged her to get good information, then discuss it with her doctor. I pray she will continue to be open with me and her friends, and that she will make sure and take care of herself...

Circus Jo hears from many everyday Iraqis as her troup tours the country. One told her yesterday, “The Americans are the same as Saddam,” Abu Ahmed declared, “They are from the same line. We can criticise the Americans, that’s true. We went on a big demonstration a few weeks ago and chanted against the Americans and the British and the Governing Council and we were not stopped. We can complain, but that is all.” In other words, as far as the daily life of Iraqis are concerns, things are no better than ever, and in many ways are worse. That in and of itself wouldn't be intolerable, but what caps it all off to them is their feeling of impotence - they don't see any real way to make their future happen, because others hold the power. Other than acceptance, their only alternatives, in their eyes, is protest, and rebellion. They consider this patriotic. Others consider it terrorism. It's all in your point of view...

Several members of Abdulrahman's family were also killed, including a young member named Saleh, who was considered a rising star. A few family members have already been buried in Duhok* in keeping with tradition.

Back-to-Iraq reports more specifics on the bombing of the Kurds in the north.

* Duhok is where Meran is currently based.

This really scares me in a personal way. The violence is creeping closer to where Meran is. Where will it stop?

This evening, my daughter Eva and I were talking on MSN Messenger. Some concerns were brought up about the continued separation of her and the boys from Meran...

Eva/Nirgaz says:
I am going to go apply for a job with sprint tomorrow, wish me luck
Eva/Nirgaz says:
That's not the field I want, the sprint job, but it is a job until I can either finish writing something to publish, or find a job in my field
Trishymouse says:
what is the job at Sprint doing?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
customer service, but they have an onsite fitness center, which I would love so on breaks I could actually exercise, and maybe I could even get a discount on a cell phone, which I have wanted to get
Trishymouse says:
well, that sounds like it could be a good interim job. But I hope you continue writing/journalism. I can hardly wait to read/see more of you doing that...!
Eva/Nirgaz says:
plus, if I am not at home, I am less likely to snack, which is my biggest downfall in the battle of the bulge
Trishymouse says:
NEW YORK: Bridges TV is on schedule to go on air in 2004 – as early as Summer 2004 or as late as Fall 2004. Having reached two-thirds of our goal of 10K members, we are now in the last one-third segment of the membership drive. With 500 new members joining every month, we are on schedule to reach the target of 10,000 members by Labor Day. To bring the American Muslim TV channel to your local...
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I just signed up actually for a free account with writing.com, a website that helps authors and encourages writing in the hopes of igniting my passion again. With all the depression I have dealt with over the past year has really paralyzed me in that regards
Trishymouse says:
Depression? Really? I didn't know you were that down. Yes, that can really freeze a person up, that is for sure. Have you talked to a doctor about it? It's hard to know if something is clinical depression or not, and if medication is appropriate or not. Pills are not evil, but just throwing pills at something is not necessarily the answer, either. What do YOU think?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I am not sure, those pills usually take so long to go in effect that I usually stop taking them, I am not big on pill taking, forgetfull and what not. I had actually been on zoloft after Mu'min. Maybe it is worth a try again, but I am not sure.
Trishymouse says:
I can only speak for myself, but Paxil helped me. Grandma tried Zoloft, and it didn't help her. Now she is on Effexor, and they seem to be helping. But that's the thing - who knows why? It could be that more time passed and she's just getting less grief-stricken...
Trishymouse says:
In the end, for you, Eva, I would not let things get worse. If you feel you are not getting better, SEE A DOCTOR. Get what you need. Whether it's anti-depressants, or counselling, or both, take care of yourself, Sweetie...
Trishymouse says:
You can always call or talk to me - I'm not professional, but I'm a good listener, I love you, and I care...
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I realized the other night the reason Meran being gone bothered me so much, it was like now my kids were getting abandoned by their father, just like I was by mine. It hurt because history was in a way repeating itself and I had no control over preventing it. Now Meran himself is nothing like dad, but the lack of a father is similar. Even Salih is perceptive of the situation, he told me this morning something that shocked me "I don't have a father" I told him "yes you do" he said " If I did he would come back to us"
Trishymouse says:
On first hearing, it sounds strange, because we know he does have a father, and we think, "He just saw his Dad...", but from his point of view, he obviously doesn't feel that way. I would share these things with Meran, with your concerns about what it may mean for the future for the boys. It may be just that he's missing his father, but on the other hand...
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Don't get me wrong, I truly appreciate the sacrifice Meran is making to provide for us, but at the same time is it worth the cost?? Worth my depression,worth the boys resenting their father the way I still sort of resent my own?
Trishymouse says:
When Meran visits in April, it will be important for him to not just spend time with Salih (and Bilal and Mu'min of course, but Salih is oldest...), but to really talk to him, ask him about that specifically, and ask how he feels about him being gone again, etc....
Trishymouse says:
Yes, maybe ask Meran to find choices, to not just funnel all his energy and focus only on this choice. That's why I mentioned he should start, if he hasn't, on networking through his contacts for other work that can make a good living, but not have to be away so much....
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I agree, but I don't know if Meran will, or will take seriously what they are even saying.
Trishymouse says:
Meran strikes me as a person who deeply cares about his family. If you talk with him about how important you can see this is to Salih, I can't believe he wouldn't, do you?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I have told him my feelings, in fact I just emailed him about it.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I am not sure ...
Trishymouse says:
If you haven't yet, tell him about what Salih said, too, though...
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Yea,..I want to...at the same time I am afraid of hurting him...
Trishymouse says:
I'm confused. Keeping him informed of things that are hurting his children should not hurt him. It should concern him, and that's not always fun, but hey, that's part of being a husband and parent. Too bad! So he becomes worried and/or concerned. Good! Then he might seriously consider other options! I'm not saying to whine at him, I'm saying...
Trishymouse says:
...to responsibly, lovingly tell him what's going on, and ask him to consider choices that would be better for all of you but still provide a good living....
Eva/Nirgaz says:
you are right, and I said something similar about considering what was best for us all in the email I sent earlier this evening. I just left that part about Salih out. I think I will mention it to him now though.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I was just still in shock that Salih said it, because I never talk about how I feel about his father in front of him.
Trishymouse says:
That just makes it all the more authentic, so I can understand your shock. But you know, they say kids pick up on things. Salih probably can see you are unhappy sometimes, and he loves you...
Eva/Nirgaz says:
he is an intuitive little devil
Eva/Nirgaz says:
if I was in DC or Chicago, finding a job or an internship would be a piece of cake in my field, but here, it is slim pickings if any
Trishymouse says:
I better run anyways. Have fun!
Trishymouse says:
Keep looking. You'll find your dream job if you work at it, trust me.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
ok, love you , good night, thanks for listening,
Eva/Nirgaz says:
XXXXXXXOOOOOO
Trishymouse says:
XXXXX OOOOO

Kurds are making moves to secure their political power and independence in the new Iraq. They know they've been good friends to the United States as it freed their country, and now they're calling in the favor. I can't say I blame them. Of course, their neighbors in Syria and Turkey are none too pleased. They're worried 'their' Kurds will get too big for their britches and demand more autonomy, too. All I can say it, let the political process address it, NOT guns. But you know how human nature is. Time will tell...