My mother has repeatedly told me that I HAVE to get out what I am feeling.  That's easier said then done when you feel like you are constantly stuck in a pit of quicksand...

Since I returned from Iraq/Kurdistan, I have found it very difficult to get back into the swing of things.  Daily things seem like chores which I begrudgingly force myself to do, from dressing and cooking to reading my children a book.  I just don't desire to do those things, neither do I feel like I have the energy.  There are a million things I have been meaning to do since I got back, some things trivial, some not so, but the point is every day I wake up and nothing is done...

Another issue I have been dealing with is my weight...I am obsessed with constantly weighing myself...finding a quick fix to losing some pounds...etc. 

So far I am stuck at 170. 

I am worried that I am putting my mental self in danger by not dealing with this...how can I be the mother, wife, friend, daughter, etc.  I want to be if I am dealing with depression, identity issues, and many other stressful things??? 

So now I am starting to write, in hopes that I heal and in the process discover myself again...

Eva says that Meran continues to be in the town of Gayara near the northern town of Mosul. Meran hopes to know more in about month on whether or not he can assigned further north nearer his relatives, and where it would be safer for Eva and the boys to join him...

"They endured the repulsive Saddam. They endured our shameful UN sanctions. They endured our invasion. And now they must endure the anarchy we call freedom."

Even though I've never stepped foot in Iraq, my gut is telling me that Robert Fisk sums it up pretty well.

"...what I saw was infinitely more disturbing: a nation whose government rules only its capital, a country about which we fantasize at our peril."

He outlines the results of an overall badly management war/operation/campaign - the word used doesn't matter.  What matters is that we have messed up big.  We managed to alienate a country and region even further,  rather than build bridges.  A huge wasted opportunity.

Up in the Air

I asked Eva last night if she had any news on Meran - where he is, what he's doing?

She said yes, she did. He will be going to Al-Qayyarah, south of Mosul a little bit in the next day or so instead of Ba'qubah like previously mentioned. The reason was because he was reassigned from Special Forces and requested an assignment in the North. He told her that depending on where he gets assigned and how much leave he can take, that will determine if he still wants her and the boys to come over there. It is looking more and more as if he may not get assigned where he wants, and that he will just decide to come back home.

I asked, so he's not tied into another contract then yet, I'm assuming?

His contract was never really like tied anyways, he is free to leave any time he wants, Eva responded.

Nice contract is all I can say. Wonder how that works! Maybe after one year, there are options and it's easier to leave after that. Who knows. I'm hoping he comes home, but at the same time if he really wants to help over there, I can understand that, too. I'm not so sure it's the best thing to do, however, considering all the other factors that have recently come up...

Iraq is sovereign again.

Meran left last week, but was in Germany until this weekend. By now, he will be back in Iraq, but to a new as yet unknown assignment.

In the meantime, I try to engage my daughter Eva online in chat, but she responds back, "...if you don't mind I can't talk right now, but I will try and talk to you later; I am writing a letter to Meran. He arrived in Mosul and I am trying to get some stuff off my chest that is bothering me...It is a little intense."

I tell her that's OK, I understand. And I do in ways many mothers wouldn't. I also know that there is a lot of water to go yet under many bridges, but that my daughter will come out of this stronger and better. I wish the best for Meran, also. In the meantime, Eva is everything to Salih, Bilal, and Mu'min. I pray that she will remember her family, friends, and her own common sense when things start to become overwhelming...

Da Mouse says:
how are YOU?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
not so well
Da Mouse says:
tell me what's up
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I am unsure of what the future between Me and Meran holds, not as secure about US as before, and due to that I am very anxious, plus I miss him a lot. He left early Tuesday morning
Da Mouse says:
I thought he was leaving next week. I guess this IS next week. And yes, I can imagine I would feel the same in your shoes. It's bound to be that way. Take one day at a time, and try not to worry. Easier said than done, I know. My methods have been, do what I can, and let the rest, rest with God. Use common sense is definitely in there, from the Irish side.
Da Mouse says:
Being compassionate does NOT equal being a doormat
Da Mouse says:
Be busy. Really too bad you didn't have your job yet.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I have never been literally scared, and I am scared now.
Da Mouse says:
If nothing else, do more writing when you can maybe?
Da Mouse says:
Did something new happen?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I am going to try, but honestly I don't feel like doing anything, I know if I keep busy it will help, but getting started on something is the problem...
Da Mouse says:
That's depression. It freezes people up every time. Are you still trying to see if antidepressants can help?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
no, just I am not sure I can be what Meran wants, and I am scared if I mess up on anything , say somehing I shouldn't etc, it would give him an excuse to screw me over again, and honestly I would not be able to take that...I am only so strong.
Da Mouse says:
Should I assume this is all coming from an internal dialogue within yourself, based on speculation, or did Meran tell you he is unhappy with you and specify something? By the way, it's a two way street!!
Eva/Nirgaz says:
no, Meran doesn't see Mental things as a valid reason to take pills, he thinks I think to much about things, maybe I do, but I still feel if pills can help than you should use them, he doesn't therefore I am not taking them
Da Mouse says:
You definitely SHOULD take them. It's your body and mind, and you need it. If he doesn't want them, he doesn't have to take them.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Both, probably more internal than him, although he mentioned that the things he found attractive in this other girl were the areas where he thought I was lacking.
Da Mouse says:
Which are...?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
That's what Zainab told me
Eva/Nirgaz says:
She's angry with me for listening to him. I at this point am so desperate to please him I can't see clearly anymore
Da Mouse says:
you MUST break that chain. You must be happy within yourself, and only you can do that. It's dangerous to depend on someone else for your happiness, and what you're going through is exactly why. I learned the hard way, and it appears you are too. I wish I could hug you, Eva, and be there for you...
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Like how she is with people...Socially she is much more "acceptable" of how you should treat people Kurdish wise. I on the other hand tend to treat people according to whether I like them or not, and how I am feeling. I often let people know I am in a bad mood or angry with them. Stuff like that is Taboo in Kurdish society. Your suppose to be like Miss Cleaver all the time, smiling
Da Mouse says:
well, i think there is a middle ground. sometimes we have to put on masks, but on the other hand, i agree it's healthier to be honest...
Da Mouse says:
manners even in a family ARE important, but so is honesty and good communication, if you see what I mean...
Eva/Nirgaz says:
From what he says, how she respects him too, is what he found attractive in her. She makes him feel really special. I told him you all don't know each other well yet.. Who knows how she would react when you hurt her feelings, etc. Plus I DO treat him respectfully when he gives me the same repect. And most of all I am looking for his attention with me and the kids. That makes me
Eva/Nirgaz says:
want to make him happy.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Thanks for the hug., its' nice to know how much you care for me. I appreciate your support more than you can possibly know.
Da Mouse says:
You are SO right. It's EASY for her now. She doesn't have responsibility of children and a home.
Da Mouse says:
He's living in dreamland if he doesn't think she would have many bad moments and days if she had YOUR stress!
Da Mouse says:
I love you so much, Eva. Keep talking to Zainab and I, and even Golizar, etc., and treat yourself better (get meds, get sleep, make your OWN life, and don't worry about Meran...) The ball is HIS court. I still think if you are not sure, don't go overseas. Think hard before you make final decision.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
At the airport he told me "I won't let you down" but to me those are only hollow words until I see that he puts an end to them permanently and also focuses on me and the kids and follows through with some things he promised me.
Da Mouse says:
Exactly.
Da Mouse says:
He has to earn your trust all over again.
Da Mouse says:
That's not unfair at all. Unfair would be his asking you to not demand proof of his sincerity.
Da Mouse says:
Ironically, Randy emailed me to say today: Your cousin Randy just emailed me today, and said this: Cool very cool, hey, how is Eva doing now that Meran left, I remember him saying he was going to be leaving on the 22jun04 is that correct? You know I gotta say I really enjoy Meran and it was really good seeing Eva again and those kids were so damn cute.
Da Mouse says:
Even though I don't agree with the religion, I will not preach or judge them in any way Meran seems to be a very good, kind, and decent man, good father, and husband. I hope I get to meet him again, I really do, he seemed real easy to talk to and very pleasant. I'm proud to say he is my "Cousin in-law" if that is correct?
Da Mouse says:
(all Randy's words)
Da Mouse says:
hello, did you see Randy's words?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
yea, wow!
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I love them all, all of my cousins were so kind and open to us when we were there. I felt at "home" there. Make sure you tell them that I enjoyed the visit and can't wait to see them again.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Also Aunt Betty and Uncle Bill too
Da Mouse says:
Funny you should mention that...
Da Mouse says:
Randy added at end of message: Anyway I realize with the distant to where Eva lives she probably won't be able to come to our wedding on September 3rd but we would still love to send her an invite
Eva/Nirgaz says:
why?
Da Mouse says:
Another excuse to stay in USA, plus come visit us...?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
That's so nice of him
Da Mouse says:
He's a nice guy. His models were Uncle Bill and Grandpa Short. You can't go too wrong there...
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Yea, that's true. I was never worried about our side of the family when I became Muslim or married Meran. It was Dad's side that really couldn't swallow it then or now (still some of them)
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Now that Meran is gone I will try and get those photos to you. Was there anything else I was suppose to send you? I can't remember
Da Mouse says:
I wonder how things will go for him during the hand-over next week?
Da Mouse says:
I can't remember either, really
Da Mouse says:
Just send everything you can think of!! Photos, movies, anything you can put on a CD or DVD or whatever media you have...
Eva/Nirgaz says:
He is suppose to leave on Saturday to Iraq, he is in Germany right now
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Oh well, if you remember let me know
Da Mouse says:
everything. send everything.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
ok
Da Mouse says:
remember. get to doctor, get meds. get sleep. write. get job. be nice to my grandsons. have some FUN in your life (all work and no play, not good...) There, that's my prescription...
Eva/Nirgaz says:
You Saw Meran was in Germany right
Eva/Nirgaz says:
that I wrote that I mean
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I know. I am trying to get them a game system, I think I am going with Gamecube, but I am not sure yet. So they have something to play with over there.
Da Mouse says:
yes, i saw that
Da Mouse says:
don't forget yourself. if you're determined to go, plan your own itinerary. go places. see more than just relatives. be creative and it will feed your soul (photos, writing, whatever...)
Da Mouse says:
this could be a real opportunity for you, no matter what happens.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
We are going to rent a house, so more alone time, I am going to make good use of that
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Meran says that if you send stuff to Titan if gets there. I will try a trial letter, if it gets there, then I will give you that address and you could send us stuff if we need it.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
if you want letters, etc.
Da Mouse says:
That's nice. But still, I recommend you don't lose yourself to Meran. Have your own life, too.
Da Mouse says:
yes, i want letters!!
Eva/Nirgaz says:
We are looking into maybe getting a internet line at home. I told Meran I wanted that more than a TV!!!
Da Mouse says:
GOOD!
Eva/Nirgaz says:
It is for around 40/month. I think it is worth it.
Da Mouse says:
..and just when BridgesTV was coming on American cable!
Da Mouse says:
not a bad price at all
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I would be able to communicate with family and friends and also read news, read other articles, etc.
Da Mouse says:
exactly.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I would be able to stand over there if I had my daily dose of internet time (LAUGH)
Da Mouse says:
before I forget, there's a site I just discovered today I know you'd like, and it has links off of it to others (many are his family) that are fascinating! http://raedinthemiddle.blogspot.com/
Da Mouse says:
are you still interested in the idea of helping efforts to improve medical care, especially for the women, there?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
If all else fails I will at least try for every week to two weeks to keep in touch via email.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
yes
Da Mouse says:
a worthy goal
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Extremely. I want women to start feeling like they should take better care of themelves
Eva/Nirgaz says:
That there health should be a priority and it is important for not just them but there families also.
Da Mouse says:
Maybe Golizar or someone else here, would know good contacts for that, that you can jot down to contact when you get there, I mean people that would have some helpful knowledge, or would be likely to want to work with you on this, or whatever?
Da Mouse says:
Tell Meran you idea. I bet he'd like it. He MUST have some contacts through his work that you could use?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Maybe, I will look into that.
Da Mouse says:
I'm going to let you go. Gotta eat. *chomp* *chomp*
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I gotta go to the store too, the boys are waiting, actually have been waiting... Love you XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Da Mouse says:
Love you, too XXXXXXX OOOOOOO

It's been over three weeks since Meran, Eva, and the boys visited for a little over five days, three longer than originally planned due to car problems. [I had a running joke with Meran that I had placed a curse on the car that would not allow them to go yet...] A visit much anticipated and so welcomed.

The time passed all too quickly. Catching up on news, finding out what Meran did for his work in Iraq, meals cooked by Eva - Oh, the food, the food! She is a wonderful cook, and we had a great Kurdish feast the day after they arrived, eating off of it for days after. One afternoon, into the evening, we met with other area Kurds at a local park for a picnic and outing. We went for walks, took many pictures of the grandsons, and enjoyed the time together like the precious gift that it was.

Once, Eva and I went out alone for an afternoon. It gave her the opportunity to vent her sadness about herself, and her relationship with Meran. I learned for fact what I suspected in theory, that Eva has a very low self-esteem. She openly admitted as much to me. I reached across the coffee shop table where we sat sipping our drinks, and took her hand and squeezed it, looking into her eyes and telling her how much I admired her, was proud of her, and loved her; how special she is, talented and with so much of life before her. I advised her to follow her heart, with her mind firmly in tow, remembering one thing only - to be true to herself, to honor herself, no matter what path she takes. I told her she can do anything she puts her mind to. If things don't work out for her and Meran, she can make it despite how painful it might be. Try to make things work because if it's worth anything at all, it's worth that. But in the end, be true to yourself, I said.

Later that same afternoon, we were parking at a store about to get out of the car, when Eva starts talking more about how she has a lot of anger about Meran and the woman involved from Iraqi Kurdistan, how despite the relationship being only an emotional one (no physical intimacy it is claimed), she shares how she tried to explain to Meran that that is the worst of it, not the sex, but the emotional ties that were built between him and the girl. That tore at her heart. Meran's family is aware of the situation, and they are supportive of Eva's point of view and feel strongly that Meran must cut ties with the girl.

In the end, Eva is being philosophical about it, but practical in her heart. She and the boys are planning to follow Meran, who leaves next week to return to Iraq for a new year-long tour as a civilian contractor (interpreter/translator). The current plan is to go later this summer when an uncle of Meran's will be traveling there, who is an American citizen and can enter via Turkey as Eva must do. I told Eva, if you don't have to go, I would not, but if you feel you must, I understand.

I called her the other day to wish her a happy 25th birthday. She admitted to me that her regular daily schedule, made crazy by Meran's return, has made it difficult to communicate with me via email, chat, or phone calls as we have become in the habit of. "I miss talking with you." Well, as you might imagine, that warmed my heart to hear. I remember like it was yesterday when Eva was a wee little girl, and I had her all to myself. Just her and I. We'd cuddle, I'd read to her, I would hold her, I would tuck her in. It was nice to know I'm still needed once and awhile even yet.

Eva hasn't been posting much to her private blog, 5 Hours North of Baghdad because she has been back in the United States for the last 5 months very busy with creating a new home in the new house Meran built before he left early last year. She will be going back with Meran to Iraq at the end of the month, with hopes and intentions of doing more writing, both online, and freelance for hire.

Speaking of her blog, someone has noticed it, and this one. The author's blog has some interesting opinions on it, including one recent one where they state that the Kurds have been too nice, and look where it's got them. I have often wondered the same thing. Not that I'm advocating violence, mind you, but I do think that often the powers in control in any given situation, never reward kindness for kindness - they more often use and discard.

Look at the not-so-long-ago example of the Arab Revolt during World War I, led by T. E. Lawrence. He promised independence and freedom to the Arabs in the name of Britian, only to see the Arabs betrayed before his very eyes in Paris. He knew even as he led them, that his own country was not to be trusted. Out of the betrayal came modern day Iraq, still in a mess, still looking for some order...

Eva and Meran are here!

Eva called today at about 1:00pm to say they were in town. I was so thrilled to see the local number on my caller ID! They got over to my place at around 1:30 or so. Chris came with the car, and we hung out here for a bit, showing her around my apartment. Then we picked up my mother and headed over to my sister's for a family barbecue. It was great to have everyone meet Meran finally, and see the boys (my grandsons), as well as have a chance to catch up with Eva. Eva and Meran are handling things with dignity publicly, which I admire. I hope the lines of communication and mutual respect, especially from Meran's side, keep going.

They may only be able to say for two more days. I hope it can be longer, but it will depend on Meran, Eva said. I think it is more about money than being willing to. They are on a budget, which I can sure understand, and since I have no room, must stay at a hotel. I will entice them to stay as long as possible!

Last night I caught Eva online and I approached her for a chat. I asked if there was news on their coming, and how she was. She responded back that she still didn't want to talk more yet. I told her I respect that, and she said I appreciate you understanding.

I was supposed to call her tonight, but I have not been feeling well. I also hesitate because I don't want to be a pest. I will try tomorrow...

Today, I did a bit of research, and sent Eva this email:

I've been doing research to learn and understand the situation you're in from Islamic law and Kurdish cultural points-of-view.

The links & excerpts below lead me to believe that at best, polygamy is severely restricted...and many times not allowed at all either by secular law, or only if given permission by the first wife.

I realize you probably know most of this, but I wanted you to know as much as possible as you make your decisions. My thoughts and love are with you, Sweetie...

Love, Mom XXXXX OOOOO

For women, the PUK government has banned polygamy, while the KDP allows multiple marriages only when the husband gets the first wife's written permission and registers it in court. More

In Islam, polygamy is allowed, but it is severely restricted - "And if you fear that you will not be able to deal justly with the oppressed women [Yatama-literally, the Orphans among women-see the context], then marry from among them two or three or four, but if you fear you won't be just [even then], then marry only one." (Koran 4:3)

An article about a woman who went through what Eva is going through now; the article goes on to discuss an interesting debate within Indonesian Islam concerning this issue.

Kurds tend to be strongly clannish in their social organization, organized around a male descendent. This is especially true of those descended from important political figures; overall there is much reverence paid to ancestors. Villages are often identified along extended family lines. To protect clan resources, intravillage marriage is preferred; in fact, first cousin marriage is common. Polygamy of up to four wives is allowed by Islamic as well as cultural mores, but is not common. More

And finally, this very interesting tidbit - see section Criminal Justice

I called Eva today to find out when to expect them. She was very quiet and hesitant, then quickly saying that they may not be coming. I asked why. "I don't want to talk about it now." I asked if it was because she couldn't talk now, she said now, that she just didn't want to. Of course, I wasn't going to just let that go. It was totally unlike her, and I knew something was wrong.

In the end, I learned that Meran had broken news to her between yesterday and today that he was involved with another woman in Iraq. When I say involved, it means he met a woman who he likes, is sympathetic to, and has made intentions towards, and that's all. Yes, it's possible there is more, but knowing Meran as I do, it is probably that simple so far. He didn't have to tell Eva, but he did because he is following custom where the first wife's approval is obtained before moving ahead.

From what I can tell, Eva probably won't be giving approval, but it's up to her. She sounded not only surprised but hurt. She said Meran and her had talked about the idea years ago and she had told him her feelings on it, and that they would not contemplate it together. That was then, this is now, however. Things and people change. The war and their separation has had an impact. I told her I hope they do come, that I would dearly love to see them, but the most important thing is for them to have the time they need to work this out...

I couldn't stand it. This afternoon I called Eva to find out what the heck is going on. Golizar answered (Meran's sister), I asked for Eva. I heard more voices than I expected in the background. That got me wondering. Next thing I knew, there's a very familiar voice saying hello. "Meran?!" I exclaimed. "Hello, hello!" he laughed. "You got home!" "Yes, it's good to be back." Eva came on the line. "Hi, Mom!" I asked when Meran got in. Eva explained yesterday she was really down, wondering when Meran was ever going to get home. She took a nap, and was awakened by a phone call from Ajiza, Meran's younger sister, saying Meran had just called from Philadelphia where he had landed in the USA, and was on the last leg home to Nashville. Eva began crying, and Ajiza asked why she would be crying at such great news. I totally understand. It was overwhelming! They hope to be here by the end of next week. I am SO excited to see everyone!

Eva and I just chatted. She said Meran called last night. He's very discouraged on how long it's taking him to obtain transportation. I guess that's all that's holding him up now. So Eva gave him their credit card number, and he's going to pay for his own ticket to get home! Whatever works...! Their hope is that he'll get in sometime early next week, then take off by Thursday, and be up here (God willing) by Friday. *Yaaaaay*

Encouraging news comes from Eva. Despite delayed paperwork, it looks like Meran will come. Possible dates now are either May 16th or 26th. We're hoping for the earlier date, but as long as he gets here, we'll be thankful!

Eva/Nirgaz says:

Still no word from Meran*.

Da Mouse says:

Is the plan that he was to be on touch by now about when exactly he'll be coming...?

Eva/Nirgaz says:

Although yesterday I called his Uncle Issa, he said Meran was there the other night and told him he still had not received word of when he would be able to take vacation and there was a possibility of him being moved to Mosul  I told him to have Meran contact me ASAP.  As it is I am anxious, not knowing if or when he will be coming now.

Da Mouse says:

I don't blame you.  I think people like Meran are much needed.  But that shouldn't mean he can't have much-needed leave!  Let me know as soon as you know...

Eva/Nirgaz says:

Yours and Grandma Lewis' letter helped yesterday, I was feeling low.

Da Mouse says:

What did Grandma Lewis have to say?

Eva/Nirgaz says:

The boys are really missing him lately, they mentioned they were thinking about visiting their dad, I said hopefully he will be coming.  They miss him so much that it makes it even more difficult for me because I can't do anything about it. She just sent a really nice card for Mother's day, like you did

Da Mouse says:

I sure hope you can come soon.  Everyone wants to see you, including Grandma Short!!

Eva/Nirgaz says:

I am sending you and her a card by the way. I know she knows I care, but I am sure the card will cheer her up to know I am thinking of her these days extra special. 

If nothing else, maybe me and Meran's cousins Kasar, etc. will come up if Meran is not able.  I was thinking about that.

Da Mouse says:

She'll love it.  She loved getting mail!  Mail is actually better than a phone call, because she forgets so easily.  With a letter or card, she picks it up and reads and re-reads and it means a lot to her...

Eva/Nirgaz says:

I figured that...She was quite the letter writer at one time.

Da Mouse says:

That would be great.  I sure hope Meran can get away, though.  He needs it, the boys need it, you need it.  But just remember if it doesn't happen as soon as you want, you'll make it.  It would be hard, but you would.  Just remember how Grandma Short was without Grandpa for nearly 3 years during WWII, and later when he was  on railroad extra gang he was gone working on the road a lot. She hated that, though...I hope for
your sake he comes home SOON!!!

Eva/Nirgaz says:

That's neat to know.  We are very similar, falling in love so young, being separated from them due to war, etc.  It's neat because I feel a special bond with her, not that I haven't always felt especially close to her, but now having experienced similar things I can relate to her better.  AMEN, (about him coming home) for me and the boys. 

*Meaning final confirmation...

Eva and I are both so excited! Only a week until Meran is coming home to the United States. Then I have to wait another 2.5 weeks before they come. Oh, the anticipation!!

You must read Jo's writing. It is the voice of people who do not have a voice. It is the face of the faceless. They are real people with real pain and loss. We need to hear them and have compassion...

Iraq, one year later, in photographs with commentary.

Iraq Analogies: It's Vietnam. It's Lebanon. It's Algeria. It's ... Hell, you can even make comparisons to ancient Rome and how they governed their provinces. One thing for sure, as Solomon once said, there's nothing new under the sun, including the mess we're in, in Iraq...

This blog is reviewed; it's good to hear what an outsider's point-of-view is...