Iraq is sovereign again.

Meran left last week, but was in Germany until this weekend. By now, he will be back in Iraq, but to a new as yet unknown assignment.

In the meantime, I try to engage my daughter Eva online in chat, but she responds back, "...if you don't mind I can't talk right now, but I will try and talk to you later; I am writing a letter to Meran. He arrived in Mosul and I am trying to get some stuff off my chest that is bothering me...It is a little intense."

I tell her that's OK, I understand. And I do in ways many mothers wouldn't. I also know that there is a lot of water to go yet under many bridges, but that my daughter will come out of this stronger and better. I wish the best for Meran, also. In the meantime, Eva is everything to Salih, Bilal, and Mu'min. I pray that she will remember her family, friends, and her own common sense when things start to become overwhelming...

Da Mouse says:
how are YOU?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
not so well
Da Mouse says:
tell me what's up
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I am unsure of what the future between Me and Meran holds, not as secure about US as before, and due to that I am very anxious, plus I miss him a lot. He left early Tuesday morning
Da Mouse says:
I thought he was leaving next week. I guess this IS next week. And yes, I can imagine I would feel the same in your shoes. It's bound to be that way. Take one day at a time, and try not to worry. Easier said than done, I know. My methods have been, do what I can, and let the rest, rest with God. Use common sense is definitely in there, from the Irish side.
Da Mouse says:
Being compassionate does NOT equal being a doormat
Da Mouse says:
Be busy. Really too bad you didn't have your job yet.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I have never been literally scared, and I am scared now.
Da Mouse says:
If nothing else, do more writing when you can maybe?
Da Mouse says:
Did something new happen?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I am going to try, but honestly I don't feel like doing anything, I know if I keep busy it will help, but getting started on something is the problem...
Da Mouse says:
That's depression. It freezes people up every time. Are you still trying to see if antidepressants can help?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
no, just I am not sure I can be what Meran wants, and I am scared if I mess up on anything , say somehing I shouldn't etc, it would give him an excuse to screw me over again, and honestly I would not be able to take that...I am only so strong.
Da Mouse says:
Should I assume this is all coming from an internal dialogue within yourself, based on speculation, or did Meran tell you he is unhappy with you and specify something? By the way, it's a two way street!!
Eva/Nirgaz says:
no, Meran doesn't see Mental things as a valid reason to take pills, he thinks I think to much about things, maybe I do, but I still feel if pills can help than you should use them, he doesn't therefore I am not taking them
Da Mouse says:
You definitely SHOULD take them. It's your body and mind, and you need it. If he doesn't want them, he doesn't have to take them.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Both, probably more internal than him, although he mentioned that the things he found attractive in this other girl were the areas where he thought I was lacking.
Da Mouse says:
Which are...?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
That's what Zainab told me
Eva/Nirgaz says:
She's angry with me for listening to him. I at this point am so desperate to please him I can't see clearly anymore
Da Mouse says:
you MUST break that chain. You must be happy within yourself, and only you can do that. It's dangerous to depend on someone else for your happiness, and what you're going through is exactly why. I learned the hard way, and it appears you are too. I wish I could hug you, Eva, and be there for you...
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Like how she is with people...Socially she is much more "acceptable" of how you should treat people Kurdish wise. I on the other hand tend to treat people according to whether I like them or not, and how I am feeling. I often let people know I am in a bad mood or angry with them. Stuff like that is Taboo in Kurdish society. Your suppose to be like Miss Cleaver all the time, smiling
Da Mouse says:
well, i think there is a middle ground. sometimes we have to put on masks, but on the other hand, i agree it's healthier to be honest...
Da Mouse says:
manners even in a family ARE important, but so is honesty and good communication, if you see what I mean...
Eva/Nirgaz says:
From what he says, how she respects him too, is what he found attractive in her. She makes him feel really special. I told him you all don't know each other well yet.. Who knows how she would react when you hurt her feelings, etc. Plus I DO treat him respectfully when he gives me the same repect. And most of all I am looking for his attention with me and the kids. That makes me
Eva/Nirgaz says:
want to make him happy.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Thanks for the hug., its' nice to know how much you care for me. I appreciate your support more than you can possibly know.
Da Mouse says:
You are SO right. It's EASY for her now. She doesn't have responsibility of children and a home.
Da Mouse says:
He's living in dreamland if he doesn't think she would have many bad moments and days if she had YOUR stress!
Da Mouse says:
I love you so much, Eva. Keep talking to Zainab and I, and even Golizar, etc., and treat yourself better (get meds, get sleep, make your OWN life, and don't worry about Meran...) The ball is HIS court. I still think if you are not sure, don't go overseas. Think hard before you make final decision.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
At the airport he told me "I won't let you down" but to me those are only hollow words until I see that he puts an end to them permanently and also focuses on me and the kids and follows through with some things he promised me.
Da Mouse says:
Exactly.
Da Mouse says:
He has to earn your trust all over again.
Da Mouse says:
That's not unfair at all. Unfair would be his asking you to not demand proof of his sincerity.
Da Mouse says:
Ironically, Randy emailed me to say today: Your cousin Randy just emailed me today, and said this: Cool very cool, hey, how is Eva doing now that Meran left, I remember him saying he was going to be leaving on the 22jun04 is that correct? You know I gotta say I really enjoy Meran and it was really good seeing Eva again and those kids were so damn cute.
Da Mouse says:
Even though I don't agree with the religion, I will not preach or judge them in any way Meran seems to be a very good, kind, and decent man, good father, and husband. I hope I get to meet him again, I really do, he seemed real easy to talk to and very pleasant. I'm proud to say he is my "Cousin in-law" if that is correct?
Da Mouse says:
(all Randy's words)
Da Mouse says:
hello, did you see Randy's words?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
yea, wow!
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I love them all, all of my cousins were so kind and open to us when we were there. I felt at "home" there. Make sure you tell them that I enjoyed the visit and can't wait to see them again.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Also Aunt Betty and Uncle Bill too
Da Mouse says:
Funny you should mention that...
Da Mouse says:
Randy added at end of message: Anyway I realize with the distant to where Eva lives she probably won't be able to come to our wedding on September 3rd but we would still love to send her an invite
Eva/Nirgaz says:
why?
Da Mouse says:
Another excuse to stay in USA, plus come visit us...?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
That's so nice of him
Da Mouse says:
He's a nice guy. His models were Uncle Bill and Grandpa Short. You can't go too wrong there...
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Yea, that's true. I was never worried about our side of the family when I became Muslim or married Meran. It was Dad's side that really couldn't swallow it then or now (still some of them)
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Now that Meran is gone I will try and get those photos to you. Was there anything else I was suppose to send you? I can't remember
Da Mouse says:
I wonder how things will go for him during the hand-over next week?
Da Mouse says:
I can't remember either, really
Da Mouse says:
Just send everything you can think of!! Photos, movies, anything you can put on a CD or DVD or whatever media you have...
Eva/Nirgaz says:
He is suppose to leave on Saturday to Iraq, he is in Germany right now
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Oh well, if you remember let me know
Da Mouse says:
everything. send everything.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
ok
Da Mouse says:
remember. get to doctor, get meds. get sleep. write. get job. be nice to my grandsons. have some FUN in your life (all work and no play, not good...) There, that's my prescription...
Eva/Nirgaz says:
You Saw Meran was in Germany right
Eva/Nirgaz says:
that I wrote that I mean
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I know. I am trying to get them a game system, I think I am going with Gamecube, but I am not sure yet. So they have something to play with over there.
Da Mouse says:
yes, i saw that
Da Mouse says:
don't forget yourself. if you're determined to go, plan your own itinerary. go places. see more than just relatives. be creative and it will feed your soul (photos, writing, whatever...)
Da Mouse says:
this could be a real opportunity for you, no matter what happens.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
We are going to rent a house, so more alone time, I am going to make good use of that
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Meran says that if you send stuff to Titan if gets there. I will try a trial letter, if it gets there, then I will give you that address and you could send us stuff if we need it.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
if you want letters, etc.
Da Mouse says:
That's nice. But still, I recommend you don't lose yourself to Meran. Have your own life, too.
Da Mouse says:
yes, i want letters!!
Eva/Nirgaz says:
We are looking into maybe getting a internet line at home. I told Meran I wanted that more than a TV!!!
Da Mouse says:
GOOD!
Eva/Nirgaz says:
It is for around 40/month. I think it is worth it.
Da Mouse says:
..and just when BridgesTV was coming on American cable!
Da Mouse says:
not a bad price at all
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I would be able to communicate with family and friends and also read news, read other articles, etc.
Da Mouse says:
exactly.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I would be able to stand over there if I had my daily dose of internet time (LAUGH)
Da Mouse says:
before I forget, there's a site I just discovered today I know you'd like, and it has links off of it to others (many are his family) that are fascinating! http://raedinthemiddle.blogspot.com/
Da Mouse says:
are you still interested in the idea of helping efforts to improve medical care, especially for the women, there?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
If all else fails I will at least try for every week to two weeks to keep in touch via email.
Eva/Nirgaz says:
yes
Da Mouse says:
a worthy goal
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Extremely. I want women to start feeling like they should take better care of themelves
Eva/Nirgaz says:
That there health should be a priority and it is important for not just them but there families also.
Da Mouse says:
Maybe Golizar or someone else here, would know good contacts for that, that you can jot down to contact when you get there, I mean people that would have some helpful knowledge, or would be likely to want to work with you on this, or whatever?
Da Mouse says:
Tell Meran you idea. I bet he'd like it. He MUST have some contacts through his work that you could use?
Eva/Nirgaz says:
Maybe, I will look into that.
Da Mouse says:
I'm going to let you go. Gotta eat. *chomp* *chomp*
Eva/Nirgaz says:
I gotta go to the store too, the boys are waiting, actually have been waiting... Love you XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Da Mouse says:
Love you, too XXXXXXX OOOOOOO

It's been over three weeks since Meran, Eva, and the boys visited for a little over five days, three longer than originally planned due to car problems. [I had a running joke with Meran that I had placed a curse on the car that would not allow them to go yet...] A visit much anticipated and so welcomed.

The time passed all too quickly. Catching up on news, finding out what Meran did for his work in Iraq, meals cooked by Eva - Oh, the food, the food! She is a wonderful cook, and we had a great Kurdish feast the day after they arrived, eating off of it for days after. One afternoon, into the evening, we met with other area Kurds at a local park for a picnic and outing. We went for walks, took many pictures of the grandsons, and enjoyed the time together like the precious gift that it was.

Once, Eva and I went out alone for an afternoon. It gave her the opportunity to vent her sadness about herself, and her relationship with Meran. I learned for fact what I suspected in theory, that Eva has a very low self-esteem. She openly admitted as much to me. I reached across the coffee shop table where we sat sipping our drinks, and took her hand and squeezed it, looking into her eyes and telling her how much I admired her, was proud of her, and loved her; how special she is, talented and with so much of life before her. I advised her to follow her heart, with her mind firmly in tow, remembering one thing only - to be true to herself, to honor herself, no matter what path she takes. I told her she can do anything she puts her mind to. If things don't work out for her and Meran, she can make it despite how painful it might be. Try to make things work because if it's worth anything at all, it's worth that. But in the end, be true to yourself, I said.

Later that same afternoon, we were parking at a store about to get out of the car, when Eva starts talking more about how she has a lot of anger about Meran and the woman involved from Iraqi Kurdistan, how despite the relationship being only an emotional one (no physical intimacy it is claimed), she shares how she tried to explain to Meran that that is the worst of it, not the sex, but the emotional ties that were built between him and the girl. That tore at her heart. Meran's family is aware of the situation, and they are supportive of Eva's point of view and feel strongly that Meran must cut ties with the girl.

In the end, Eva is being philosophical about it, but practical in her heart. She and the boys are planning to follow Meran, who leaves next week to return to Iraq for a new year-long tour as a civilian contractor (interpreter/translator). The current plan is to go later this summer when an uncle of Meran's will be traveling there, who is an American citizen and can enter via Turkey as Eva must do. I told Eva, if you don't have to go, I would not, but if you feel you must, I understand.

I called her the other day to wish her a happy 25th birthday. She admitted to me that her regular daily schedule, made crazy by Meran's return, has made it difficult to communicate with me via email, chat, or phone calls as we have become in the habit of. "I miss talking with you." Well, as you might imagine, that warmed my heart to hear. I remember like it was yesterday when Eva was a wee little girl, and I had her all to myself. Just her and I. We'd cuddle, I'd read to her, I would hold her, I would tuck her in. It was nice to know I'm still needed once and awhile even yet.